September 23, 2009


Not doctored in PS or Lightroom, this is an anonymous building I snapped back when based solely on that the color of the tagging matched the color of the sky, hence, the raw image. And, I am practically obsessed with fire escapes (and fire doors, but that is only because of Ani DiFranco, which, to this day, I'm not sure why she "opened a fire door to four lips, none of which were mine kissing"...who opens fire doors? Did she mean a hallway door? Do I even know what a fire door is? I think I imagine it as a door to a rooftop, although I think in reality it is a door that is indestructible by fire.) (But my imagined fire door would lead to that I envision her finding her cheating lover with someone else on a rooftop. Enough on that.) (Although, Kristin Hersh also does sing about a "fire pile" so maybe I am secretly obsessed with anything preceded by 'fire'??) Slow life, these days. I have had A TREMENDOUS amount of free time on my hands, enough to almost make my hands shake at the weight of it. And what with it have I done? How have I spent it? Have I written restaurant reviews? (er, yes, but only 2). Have I penned a poem? Have I managed my photography organization? I shudder to think of the hours I've wasted on mindless information when there are so many skills that I'd like to pour out. I'd like to be able to look back on a week and say, There you go, girl, you accomplished that. Or, Hey, KB, look where being motivated landed you. But something is spinning me to boredom, and I'm just flat bored. I'm bored with the news, bored with chores, bored with pretty much just about anything I set my mind to get done. I am actively making attempts mentally to physically challenge myself to move, to do the things I know will make me feel happier once I get them done. Stepping back from paintings I created when I was in high school or college, reflecting on the effort that went into them, noticing others glance admirably at my work, it all felt so good once, like I wanted to tear down the interior walls of myself and let the sun shine on it all. As if I've never hid from anything. As if I've never been confusing for someone, too inconsolable to be understood. But in these past weeks, aside from the pathetic baby restaurant reviews, I can't say I've accomplished or completed a whole lot. Today, I was at jury duty, which means I was alone with myself a lot. We had a talk. We're approaching things differently. We're going to set a goal a day, and until I complete that goal, I won't sleep. I won't finish a day without extending myself the opportunity to be proud of myself, my achievements, my life as it rolls forward. I have a lot to give. And I should be doing so. Let's do it together, girl, you and me, we're soul mates - the ugly side and the beautiful side. We have to coexist, and once we do, we can make mountains move. Or so I'd like to believe. Today's achievement? This post. Because writing it reminded me again how disappointed in myself I've been, and how I can somehow resolve that confused girl and turn her into clarity and voice. Be someone.

September 15, 2009


Well, it's Tuesday of my solo week and thus far I've accomplished very little. But I'm refusing to be hard on myself and tonight is a brand new night of accomplishment potential. Plus, Craig was very sweet yesterday and texted me multiple times to remind me that I'm not entirely alone! I wound up running into my neighbor friend and she and I had a glass of wine in my apartment, watching Jon and Kate (oh, the horror) and being giddy girls. So that was a nice distraction and occupied some of my time. Today was particularly exaggeratedly long and annoying, and as we move ahead with packing the office, I fear that a Saturday mandatory pack-the-office-day may arise. It looks like we're about a quarter of the way there (not good, considering we are out of there 09/30). And while we do this, pack boxes, copy documents, archive paperwork and so forth, I'm feeling my edgy fear of change coming on. In patterns since I've moved around, I initially do not fare well for, well, let's say the first handful of months of transition. I becoming increasingly scared, panicked, annoyed, unsure and oftentimes those feelings damage parts of me that I'm not sure are temporary or permanent damages (many permanent, I suspect.) I'm not going to not take blame for this, because I am a human same as anyone else and am presumably reasonably capable of taking matters into my own hands. However, inevitably, change lies ahead, and soon. I am insisting to co-workers how fantastic it will be for me (us) to get out of that office, rid ourselves of all of the poison it contains: the haunting tensions, the inconsistencies and so forth - but somewhere inside I'm actually a little nervous. It's been since February 2007 that we've been commuting to the same office, with the (mostly) same staff of people with our softnesses toward one another, our agreed upon hostilities, our comfortable levels of a blend of compromise and refusals to change our ways. It's grown to work, somehow. And this marks the longest that I've worked on any job, in near ten years with the same company. Strange to actually reflect on that fact. So, here we go, about to embark on what I'd call a smaller change, since we're merely transitioning our project into Manhattan from Queens. And yes, my commute will be nothing short of brilliant! Two subway stops, and I'm at the Met Life Building. This will be similar to traveling to work in 2006 prior to moving out to the job site. But back then, I was undergoing that initial transition fear, and compound that with the fact that it was not just any change, but New York City change! We're talking about a community that takes itself tremendously seriously, and if you're going to penetrate that from the outside, be prepared for them to fully accept you, but fully accept you with the mutual understood agreement that you, coming into their community, will adapt, and adapt quickly! Not conform, just adapt. I would have to read back on old posts to weigh in on whether or not I adapted quickly. Nevertheless, I eventually did, and I feel adapted enough now that maybe working in a corporate environment - a New York corporate environment, at that - will just seem regular to me and this smaller change won't disrupt any blood flow to my brain. Or, derail it, what have you.*So, now that that's out of the way, Patrick Swayze has passed from his battle with cancer. On my way to work this morning I read the NY Times article about him and felt taken aback at how much that man accomplished in his lifetime. I knew of things he'd done, aside from being my "boyfriend," my ideal pin-up male, in Dirty Dancing (which kind of creeps me out today thinking of how much older he is than me and that at the time Dirty Dancing was a craze, I should not have had pin-up boyfriend fantasies! I blame Prince) but I suppose seeing it in list form, highlighting the diversity of his career, the depth from which he performed, impressed me. So then my co-worker sent me an article today about Neil Patrick Harris. Man! What a life that guy has led, and he's only 36. And likable as all get out. It's of course incorrect in my mind to hypothesize that he is a "break out," rather the "first" break out gay actor, or whatever since my paraphrasing and/or memory may or may not be spot on, because that could be debated on many counts. But there is certainly no denying that his masculinity and presence on screen (and I guess, on stage; I've yet to witness that myself) and demeanor are attractive to both men and women. And that's a versatility that I think is rare (well, except that I think Adam Lambert is hot)(okay, and Portia di Rossi)(okay, so not so rare). With him, it seems natural, like a real life personality trait. But aside from all of the sexuality mentions, the things he's done! The people he's touched! Rising above and beyond what Doogie, M.D. did for people of my generation (well, who watched, anyway.) Craig and I saw Proof a long, long time ago, here in New York City (as tourists) with Anne Heche, and Neil Patrick Harris was supposed to be her opposite but was out with a traveling tour or something. Drats!*Moving on, I had contemplated a night out with myself for sushi and wine. But Europe and other expenses nagged at me that that would not be a wise move. So I postpone my sushi date with myself to Thursday, tentatively (because by Thursday we'd be out to dinner, anyway, traditionally, and I can even convince myself further by reminding myself that it will be 1, not 2 orders of scrumptious tender sushi, therefore like getting half off??) and tonight I make a most terrific, easy and more healthful version of Macaroni and Cheese that I discovered on Cooking Light's website last week. It's simple but perfectly satisfies that craving for the comfort food many of us know and love. Craig is out to dinner with our ancient friend Timmy tonight, and this will mark night #2 of me steering clear of the phone so that I don't bug/call/text/whine/boo hoo him. It worked well last night, and while the distraction of a neighbor friend did help, I was happy to wake up this morning knowing that I let Craig have his time to be Craig. I'm terrible at that. I'm working on bettering it. He's not from Indianapolis, but he did live there for a while and his friends are all there and his sister Kara and her family, so in ways, it's "home" for him. He often reflects that he wonders if things would be better if we just moved there. I debate the topic with myself, as well, despite my furious feverish passion for New York City.*It is quiet here, in my apartment (I am refraining from music while I type, just to keep focus on one thing at a time) but it's reflective time, it's KB time, it's nice time. If I were trying to post while CB were here, fragments of television conversation might leak into my post. Quiet time: nice time.

September 13, 2009


Finally, I finally launched myself back into a MacBook photo transfer afternoon, meaning, I sorted through approximately 50 old folders on the PC, selected photos I have been semi-happy with, and transferred them to Annie. The above posted photograph is one I possibly have already posted, but I was happily reminded of that day when I found it. Craig and I toured to the top of the Met. This was a "balloon dog" sculpture, yellow and shiny and neat. Anyway, now that I have nearly 70 photographs in Annie, I've got even more ambition to mess with both Photoshop and Light Room! So glad I've got good access to these. It will take me some time, but I think I can eventually meet my day of reckoning with photography. Funny, I keep throwing around that phrase "day of reckoning," but in actuality, I do not know what it means! Anyway, Craig and I have had an extremely lazy weekend, and while we are supposed to go to the U.S. Open tonight with one of his subcontractors (yesterday's tennis was rained out, otherwise we would have gone last night) I somehow hope this event gets canceled. I just interrupted my thoughts to converse with Craig about this and somehow, I don't see this thing being canceled. That means, hurray!(sarcasm)...I get to ride out to Flushing tonight on the 7 train for tennis (and since both Oudin and Serena got the boot, it will suck) and tomorrow again in the morning to work on a job that has long since been forgotten. But, you know, I'm blessed in a lot of ways. Like how the roof remains over my head. And Craig is my very best friend. And Annie is being delicately filled with pieces of me. And life rolls on, like a wheel, and I'm seeing and doing new things. Europe is a stone's throw away. Hmm, a big stone, but a stone nonetheless!*This morning I watched The Devil Wears Prada while Craig worked on his computer. It was a lot of fun. I've seen it before, but it's been a while, and I very much enjoyed Anne Hathaway, which is cool, because I more recently enjoyed her in Rachel Getting Married, and am now somewhat filing her into my "favorite actress" folder. She's pretty neat. Not neat like Maggie Gyllenhaal or Natalie Portman or Zooey Deschanel neat, but neat nonetheless.*I am off to clean a few things and maybe nap a little (if I can muster that) and then I suppose travel the neverending distance out to Flushing Meadows. That trip is beginning to feel like the rest of my life. I cannot wait until it becomes a thing of the past.

September 09, 2009


We're watching the U.S. Open together. It's a strange sensation for me, because I've never felt as enthralled (to clarify: in tennis) as I do now. There is this itty bitty Georgian girl (from Marietta! Where I used to work when we lived in Atlanta!) who is only 17 who is rocking the courts, and I really want her to win! But she's playing against a 9th ranked chick who pretty much is a badass. I've got my fingers crossed, though. We are going Saturday night for the women's finals and I'd like to be into it, versus not caring who is out there. Who knew teenagers could be so talented and skilled and successful? Teen me? I was at coffee shops with notebooks and pens pretending to be a Beatnik. Oh, well.*Things are going well, relatively speaking. I mean, our office is absent of most life form, which is uniquely a satisfying and disappointing experience all at once. Craig is traveling to Indianapolis for the whole week next week. I will have free range of the apartment; let's hope I don't develop my own personal version of The Shining's cabin fever...meaning, I really should get out and about. I may go shopping for my "hipster douchebag" Euro wardrobe at The Buffalo Exchange in Manhattan. And I will write restaurant reviews, and eat healthy, and live well, in general. But of course, I will miss Craig. He's fun to have around.*Oh, boy, our little Oudin from Georgia might lose...I gather she will. But she's just a teen! She's got tons of time.*Sorry for a short post. Above photo doctored in Photoshop...(thanks to a special someone for helping a sister with photog stuff.)

September 02, 2009


I likely posted this photograph once before in the early stages of owning my Nikon. I've since adjusted it in Aperture but I still have yet to transfer more photographs from Craig & Kristin's PC to Annie MBP13 because of little time and energy to do so. I suspect I'm going to go for it and purchase Aperture in 11 days when my free trial ends; that will pile on additional motivation (that I paid for it, and a steep price, at that!) to figure out what's going on photographically. This is a huge goal prior to traveling to Europe this fall: to better understand the Nikon so that I don't spend precious time fumbling with settings (I will be doing very little bracketing because the trip is too short) and to figure out a decent photo organization plan. I've been declaring I'd do this for months and have found every excuse on this green earth to avoid the task. I suppose having acquired a laptop and iPhone and dSLR and a Facebook page and on and on and on has been like waking up after having been asleep for 100 years, because that's just how quickly technology has advanced under my very nose. I suppose I could have kept up better, but it was never my thing. Not that it is now my thing, but I feel as though photography and journaling my meagre existence are more convenient now.*Anyway, the office is being shut down at the end of September. Happy September, by the way! This marks our 4th September and our (hopefully complete) 4th Autumn in New York. I'm so sorry to all of the other cities where I've lived but that can't have held a candle to this one, and I love you all for your quirks and corners, but New York just trumps every, single, last, place, I've, lived. As if I haven't said so enough! Tonight on the 7 (sardined with the damn US Open enthusiasts, agh! I can't stand these 2 weeks each year!) I glanced up and caught a glimpse of Manhattan and I was humbly reminded that I can't for one second take it for granted if we land this job in Brooklyn that I live here. So many millions (like, 11) live here, and who knows what percentage of those millions actually care that they live here? Many, I'm sure, but overall? Is it enough? There's this peace that resides within the chaos. It pulses steadily while the chaos spins. And the layers, and the texture, and the skin, and the skies and the trees and buildings and beliefs and foods...not much can compete with this town, I am convinced*Oh, speaking of foods! I just (by virtue of being quite slow in the day currently) discovered, over the course of a few days, that the restaurant critic for the Times has resigned after 5 years of writing restaurant reviews. His name is Frank Bruni and he's got such, such an interesting background thing going. He is stepping down from the position at 44 because he finished and has near-published his memoir about his relationship with food his entire life. Evidently, he believes he was bulimic as a baby (what the...??) and the bulimia grew into a full fledged way of life for him in order to maintain what he felt was a "healthy" physique. So he studied journalism and covered a presidential campaign and wound up, strangely, as the Times restaurant critic (a hugely prestigious position that does not just get handed to anyone!) I read a few of his articles on the Times website, and definitely he's a talented guy. I particularly appreciate the fact that a recovered bulimic would engage in a career so closely associated with his poison (food) and be so completely successful at it. Nevertheless, he felt that in order for his relationship with food (how I love that in theory!) to be best represented in his memoir, he could not continue, in good faith, to act as the Times' critic. So I'm fully engaged in this thing now: I want to read all of the history of Bruni's articles, and I want to stay current with the new critic, who will not begin until October. I love new exciting little gemstones to cling to!*Meanwhile, tonight rocks: Craig is on dinner duty. A little anecdote: I asked him to purchase 3 things in prep for making our dinner (the menu of his choosing, mind you) - chicken broth, orzo and a side vegetable. Should I even go on? Yes, he forgot something. Yes, it will hamper dinner. Is he trying to find a clever substitution over there (I can see him from my post on the couch!)? Yes, he is. Who knows what it will be...he's toying with a few things verbally that have me nervous! Being honest here. But it is nevertheless so kind for him to cook for me. I needed this night off from the kitchen, to hang with Annie, to have a chill night of my own for once. Sheesh, my days are so chill right now...I wish I could swap out some of my day hours for my night hours - get crazy at work for a few hours, and have nothing scheduled for the evening hours. I will say and say so emphatically that I have absolutely no idea how people my age juggle their own lives: careers, extracurricular activities, spouses, travel, etc. - and sprinkle children on top of that! Hello?*Confession: the Jade Plant shown above has officially kicked the bucket. I feel terrible about it. And I haven't pitched it yet, either. I'm such a bad mom! See? No children for me just yet! I can't even keep a JADE (the plant with a countless number of lives) alive! Eek.