Eternal Pandemic, 2020

Rainbow in Queens outside my apartment window, June 1

Fantastic, I just nearly choked on red wine. Went down wrong pipe. As if anything else could go wrong at all for this really scared (but blessed and lucky) girl living in the same fucked up crisis we are all living in right now. I hate to complain. 

But my heart is broken. I don't know how much worse I could feel right now (other than fear of the outdoors) because I really never fell this hard for anyone before. *THIS IS ABOUT ROB. 

I have been lying in my bed imagining composing what this has done to me, and it's tough, because we do still talk fairly frequently. But he really wants to get through this pile of shit divorce before proceeding on with me.

MADDENING. He took me on a long love ride before deciding this.

I don't know how brutal and excruciating a divorce may be having not been through one. It seems as though it struck him like a lightning bolt out of nowhere and that's when he put on the brakes.

But for me? I'm angry, and sad. Like, I feel like that first cookie that comes out of the oven and crumbles because it wasn't ready to be taken off the tray yet.*

*I take all blame and credit for being an asshole for this analogy.

Or I'm like a broken egg.

I won't keep going with these. :)

But he is...he's my end game. I really want to wait. We've talked about that at length but it get's harder by the nanosecond and then I'm like, HE IS SO WORTH IT, and then I get sad and cry a bunch. I am not certain a 43 year old woman should be crying like this over a dumb (brilliantly amazing) guy she met on the Internet. Maybe. I don't know.

I talked to my therapist today about my music issue (she is so cool and kind, and she knows most of the shit I listen to) and I was like, So I listen to like one song on repeat 700 times, and she was like, Kristin, I think you're trying to cope? She gently offered suggestions. I explained that I put the Beats on my head and then all I have is just music in my head and she was like, Maybe don't do that? I mean...guess what is on my head right now? THE BEATS. :)

This is hard. I know it is for everyone, lots harder for more people than I which is why I hate to complain. 

So anyway. We will see what happens with me and Robert. I've made many drunken rash decisions in my head to just say goodbye forever, but my heart is smarter than my drunk brain, and I know that being without him would wreck my life. It may take time to piece together how to do this, if we move on, but I'm willing. 

He captured every last thread of romance in me.

Regardless if I'm a broken egg now.