Pandemics viii.

Pink Bath Bomb 

Maybe I am almost through this, it is extremely difficult to say day to day. Today is the second day Robert has not communicated with me. In some ways I get it, but in most ways I don't at all. Like, how could someone do this to someone? And it isn't like I'm an asshole. I'm a really nice and loving person. I always told him when he came to my apartment that he could do anything he wanted (ie., put his coffee mug on a surface with no coaster, leave his clothes on my floor, shed water all over my bathroom floor after showers, and so on) (and my neurosis in my older age is not overly forgiving of stuff like that.) I have no idea what going through a divorce is like obviously, but could he not have had some foresight, at all? 

He's still at the Lake with his Mom and Stepdad and probably occasional cousin visits, and tonight I was alerted by Social Media that there would be a Met / Yankee expedition game on TV which of course I'm certain he was glued to. 

But back when we were first enamored with each other, I would have received texts from him regularly keeping me to speed on his status. I guess he really did fall into a dark cave with regard to her and their split. And I am trying desperately to understand.

Thankfully, my self-esteem is not suffering from this estrangement. That would be quite teenage angst and nervous of me. But I'm kind of like, Fuck you, man. This is your loss if this is the road you keep stumbling down. I'm not perfect or amazing but I'm worth a few things or two.

One of my best friends from college texted me last night and asked if I would be available to chat on the phone, as he was in the car heading to the apartment in the southern part of Indiana that his husband owns. I called him immediately and we talked for an hour and a half, and it was so invigorating. I was like, so see, someone does cherish my existence regardless if Robert has waved me away with a hand because he can't get out of his own head. 

My college best friend got into a massive argument with his husband so they chose to spend the weekend apart, hence my friend was driving solo to Jeff's (his husband's) other home. 

Matt and I are, in his words for ages, sisters. He and I have a very significant bond, and in fact when we were talking and laughing about how everything fucking sucks, I was like, Matthew, I could be evicted! And he was like, Kitty (that's what he calls me) you always have a place to stay with me.

The thing about Matthew and I is primarily that we've both always been so fucked up, even responsibly employed and remaining in the world and all of that, but we both accept the dark of everything.

I told him I'd like to write a joint memoir with him (just for ourselves) and he agreed to it. So I started it last night and he and I will collaborate shortly. It will be stories of us together and separately. We have both been all over the place, geographically and emotionally and mentally but we always come back to one another. In many ways, and he'd agree, we are soul mates. Our sexuality differences really mean nothing when it comes to that.

I guess, despite how lucky I am to have Matthew in my life eternally (we'll probably be buried next to each other, morbid) it makes me question why Robert would push me off his radar the way that he has. Only because, the chemistry and intellectual attraction was undeniable. I guess divorce must really take a toll, regardless. 

So, who even fucking knows about really anything right now.

And if I haven't said so loudly and clearly during this series that I've been writing: FUCK OFF 2020. You have done nothing but bad things.

Closing this post with my most recent favorite Elliott Smith song lyrics.

Between the Bars

Elliott Smith

Drink up, baby, stay up all night
With the things you could do, you won't but you might
The potential you'll be that you'll never see
The promises you'll only make

Drink up with me now and forget all about
The pressure of days, do what I say
And I'll make you okay and drive them away
The images stuck in your head

People you've been before that you
Don't want around anymore
That push and shove and won't bend to your will
I'll keep them still

Drink up, baby, look at the stars
I'll kiss you again, between the bars
Where I'm seeing you there, with your hands in the air
Waiting to finally be caught

Drink up one more time and I'll make you mine
Keep you apart, deep in my heart
Separate from the rest, where I like you the best
And keep the things you forgot

People you've been before that you
Don't want around anymore
That push and shove and won't bend to your will
I'll keep them still