April 02, 2014


A million years since I've posted. And I honestly don't know why I'm posting now, other than I'm feeling entirely conflicted. Feeling a bit like the photograph I posted from Los Angeles, above, from my favorite art gallery located approximately 5 minutes from where I used to live. Right on Sunset Blvd, the street that stole my heart. Or even it is on Hollywood Blvd. I never could figure out where the two met and exchanged places.

So much has obviously happened in my life since I last wrote in July, 2013. I was planted in Florida for a job and have hated it here with the exception of visits from G, which have taken Florida to hilarious heights, and we've done and seen things here, together, that have been memorable.

Speaking of G.

We have had a rough, but awesome, Go of Things. I mean...many, many hard times have taken place but many, many beautiful moments have surfaced. It's what we do. It's not what he wants us to do...he wants nothing but *GOOD*...which will never be the case, with me. I am a series of Good v. Bad, all lined up and heading for either excitement or disaster depending on the day, or the moment. Either way,  I am so clogged up at work right now that I feel like my brain may just terminate.

I want to just explosively explain the longstanding series of things that have happened between me and G. The time he first came to Lakeland, the ways he has attempted to fill me with love for this town based on his historical findings, the love we have for JJ sub sandwiches, the time we witnessed a Zombie Lady in a weird room, the "LIVE ALLIGATORS!" experience, the way he booked us at an Omni in Orlando...just because. And how we lazed in the Lazy River (freezing as fuck) and leapt from that to run in our bathing suits to the hot tub, and how we held each other's fingers loosely in that warm water. Then how we raced back to the room to view the sunset from our balcony, then how we ordered room service (his first! Grilled cheese!) and wore the hotel robes and watched way too many episodes of a Nickelodeon show followed by a cerebral Beat film followed by a shitty Lifetime movie (which was awesome.)

And how we followed this Valentine's weekend with my visit to New York, which bittersweetly landed the weekend of his Uncle's funeral services, which found us fumbling with emotions. I wrote this to my dear friends Adam, Niki and Dan and mean it, much so:

I, in other walks of life, am madly, hopelessly in love with Greg and we are making painstaking efforts to survive the distance and he, is, of course, part of the reason why I am taking great effort in getting back to the City. I've become close with his family and they have taken me in as One of Their Own, and in fact his mom and I have a seemingly beautiful bond that was near immediate. My last trip to New York was just a random one for a visit and it happened to land, by bittersweet happenstance, the weekend of his uncle's funeral service (his mom's brother) and I attended by request of her (well, and duh, of Greg's) and it was this...I don't know. The whole of it was like being in an Indie film...standing in a black dress next to him in his suit, each of us cradling tulips to hand out as part of the service. Later, at the gathering at the widow's home, food and wine and condolences and everything, we walked his aunt's dog together. I guess...in many ways, our relationship has entirely played out in film format, which has potentially taken the place of my desire to watch media? Does that make any sense whatsoever? Being next to him in sheer silence is like living in our own movie. It feels really...I guess, how it's supposed to feel? :)

Anyway. All of this has been full and real, and I'm not taking one ounce of it for granted. And I've barely *touched* on the surface of what I've experienced with him, or in general. So many more things to share. But this is what I have for now.

This *is* how it supposed to feel.