November 22, 2015


5:20 AM, Sunday morning. Jon is sleeping in my bed.

We had intentions of going to the Brooklyn Museum yesterday however he wasn't feeling well...let himself into my apartment (he has a key) (which I gave him) (I was getting a manicure) so we stayed in quietly, eating cheese, apple slices and later, pizza, and remained subtle for the night.

This is how I live currently. I still remain in contact, and in therapy, with G. We have had a very tumultuous experience wherein he did come at me hard and fast with more love than he ever has in our handful of years together. Robin, my therapist outside of Denise and G, wondered last week if G is "too late"? Frankly, I think she may be onto something.

G, I waited and waited for these emotions. Where *were* you?

And now, here I have this preciously genuine human awaiting my scent and kiss and brain and all of the wonder that is my essence (Jon) and you want to ramp up everything...? Abruptly?

I feel quite solidly that I have made my decision. He sleeps in my bed as I type this.

He's wonderful. He is anything a girl could dream to find: clever, intuitive, interesting, handsome, strikingly funny. He has basically won my heart. It's weird. I've been in love with G since the day I met him. Yet, G let me down. Repeatedly, I am seeing now, looking back.

Earlier yesterday, after I learned that Jon wasn't feeling well (he was laying like a pencil, as we say, on my bed in his attractive checkered button-down, when I entered into my bedroom) I wondered if we could at least go to Walgreens? There is a Walgreens on Union and he had driven his car here from Queens so he agreed and we went, wherein I re-stocked a lot of shit: shampoo, conditioner, TP, toothpaste, all of the stuff you need to be alive in the world (for whatever reason.)

He was I can never explain the simple complexities of Jon. He's exactly what I need and want.

Yes, being in love with G was like being in a very upscale crazy adventurous movie. And we had amazing exchanges. And laughter, and so much fighting, tears, escalations, pitfalls.

But with just feels natural. Soothing. Exact.

A few weeks ago, I had Veterans' Day off as a floating holiday. This fell on a Wednesday, so that Tuesday night I went to Queens to stay with Jon. In the morning, he left for work and I stayed in his apartment (his bed is a dream bed with dream pillows) and the night before, I had asked for pajama pants and in the dark of his room, he found a pair and I slid them on. I did not know, until morning, that they were blue pants with skull and cross bones wearing Santa hats all over them. I laughed a lot and texted him about it and he was like, Oh yeah, I thought you'd like those, and I remained in those fun pj pants for most of my morning.

When I did eventually leave his apartment, I folded the crazy pants neatly and left them on his bed. I texted him something about always wearing those pants anytime I'm in Queens.

Tonight, when I entered my bedroom and found him on my bed like a pencil, next to him, on my pillow, folded neatly: the pajama pants.

How is this *not* love?

November 07, 2015


Creepy. Get it.
It's just that recently I was having a *really* bad day at work and Jon texted me that he was sending me face punches and a baby unicorn. And I found this image on the Internet. And sent it to him. We've both been creeped out since.

What am I doing?

I am hopelessly enamored with him. He has fought his way right into my heart and now I want to fork a stake into my own soul to kill all emotions that I have.

I still love G. That isn't going to ever, ever change. And since the Jon situation has become a thing with me and G, G has come at me *hard* in, I want a very serious future with you. I'm a slight bit confused by that? But as couples our age do, we are working that out in therapy. Groan.

Jon just makes my day. He texts me the most hilarious things. He's adorable and creepy and tall and funny and looks at me like there is no one else in the world to even see. I sniff his beard (which he has yet to seasonally shave because I've made it clear that I like it there on his face.) He stares at me. He has this simple dimple on the left side of his smile that really only surfaces when something really touches him, whether it's a word, a laugh, a drawing, a slight small thing. His son.

His son...Fitz. Fitz brings out the cute indent in Jon's face. Fitz is unbelievably amazing, and I sometimes just think how easy it would be to relent to that life with them, become Jon's full time partner, a step-in mom for Fitz (who loves me like there is no tomorrow.) Fitz recently gifted me a tiny Lego Storm Trooper figure because every time we build Star Wars Legos, I mention that Storm Troopers are my favorite.

But G.

G and I are working through so much stuff right now. It's happening in a forward motion and feeling right and smart but at this same time...I cannot help but wonder if I might love two people at the same time?

And if so, what do I do?