May 19, 2010


This post has been brewing for a great volume of time. In fact, it's probably been written and re-written in my mind for years. February 2010 marked the conclusion of the Craig~Kristin saga. An entire decade later, it's most visible to us both (though it took me much longer to face it) that we're not patterned for one another. I suppose I could tumble out a litany of sad explanations, or I could cry out the years of pain I've suffered (although in the throes, I didn't actualize what was happening to me because I was blind to love instead.) And perhaps in time I will. I've debated starting a new blog to override this one, but the problem with that is that many, many moments have been captured on this site which I'd like to not leave behind. In terms of Craig, in terms of me, my adventures, my (at times) hysteria or my courage or my elation. I feel that the person I'm becoming now, or rather the person I was prior to letting the relationship with Craig smother me (not blaming him in particular - rather the relationship) is such a heroic, happy, hilarious, brilliant and beautiful soul (trust me when I say that believing this is taking every ounce of my being) and that I can rise above now. We've remained roommates until now, and he moves out June 1. I requested that he give me time to financially stabilize myself. He complied. And I'm still on the hunt for a roommate to take the 2nd BR in this Gramercy Park apartment, because this neighborhood is pivotal in my recovery. He's moving to Brooklyn, thank goodness.*Immediately upon the pull of this trigger, I fell apart. I didn't fall apart normally the way I fall apart. I've fallen apart many times in my life. But this was far different. I collapsed. I don't want to re-live it, not just yet (it will eventually become part of who I am about to become, but for now, the wound is too raw and isn't yet sealed.) Craig has at times walked beside me in this state of erratic emotion, but he's never carried me. I think I credited him with carrying me for quite some time. Yep. Nope. He didn't. He takes credit for sticking it out as long as he did. He can have that credit, if it helps him sleep at night. But for me? I just want a new start. Since we weren't together come my 33rd birthday in April, I hosted my own East Village/Lower East Side girl party - so many incredible of my female friends made it out in celebration of ME - Benjamine, Lauren, Amanda, Michelle, Niki, Moyin and Gemma - and we had so much fun. Long story short - Craig didn't really have any interest in helping me celebrate my 33rd, so I took the birthday into my own hands. And I've since decided to take a whole host of things into my own hands. And it feels good. Great, even. I've acquired a new Happy Hour crew on Friday nights via one of my co-workers - incredible people - they embraced me without thinking twice about it. Those are the types of people I want to surround myself with. I've been on a couple of dates (NYC dates, hmm, different and interesting than other times I've gone on dates!)...I made it to Gale's wedding (after designing her invites and programs) and served as a pretty savvy bridesmaid. Being in Richmond again, where Craig and I once lived harmoniously if not happily, didn't feel like being sentenced to facing my own ghosts as I imagined it might. Instead, I embraced a whole new existence as a single girl attending a good friend's wedding, flirting madly, loving everything. For me, Gale's wedding weekend will forever mark a milestone in my recovery. Being with her new family, with her old and new friends and with her reminded me that life most definitely moves forward for the better. I loved it. Again, I feel as though this post is merely outlining some new life terms for me and that I'd like to go into more detail later on. I don't want to cry - much of this, thinking of it, typing it, attending therapy sessions (also a part of all of this) (Ingrid has more or less saved my life) still brings tears to my eyes. It's been probably the most educational journey I've gone on thus far in my life. But I'm moving forward, steps at a time. Friday I am flying out to visit Gale's brother-in-law in Buffalo who is the twin of Gale's husband. He was ever present the entire weekend and there was not only attraction, but I also felt comfortable being around him - he's clearly a person that cares about everything in his midst, which I don't think I've been exposed to in far, far, far too long. My Happy Hour crew invited me for fish tacos and margaritas this past Sunday; I was breaths away from bailing, but I wound up going and had a brilliant time! They are so cool. I've found a new band called Old Canes that is absolutely helping me to get through hours at a time just by listening. Life is ahead for me. I spent Saturday morning through night into Sunday morning with the Albanos out on Long Island. Aubree and I caught up on over a year's worth of our lives. I love her so much! I have this bottomless supply of love, and for too many years, I've limited the distribution of that love to just Craig. And now? Oh, the options of who to deliver to. And I don't just mean romantic love - I mean, People Love! Give it out, KB girl. They deserve to be on the receiving end as much as I deserve to be on the receiving end of theirs. New, new, new reinvented girl...ready to take it all on. This time, this new decade won't find me letting someone hurt me so often.*So blogging might still be spotty for a bit, til he's out and I'm steadied on my feet. All of this adventure has landed me in perhaps the very best place I could ever find myself single and free of chains. NYC! And it's mine now. It's no longer ours. Just mine. Mine. What a great thought!