Parts

i woke up to Piglet this way today. slightly creepy yet adorable. i'm owning it.

Kinda on my own accord I selected to open myself to Jon in this very dark way. He wasn't altogether accepting of the whole thing but I really needed to say this thing.

First, I must admit that my parts are not in fair condition. They are like...as uncomfortable as they could be. Like they are running around in my abdomen (and other regions) like a people of the few of the really bad horror movies Jon and I have watched.

In any event, I wanted to say some really salty sad things.

And it's only because I may be on death's stainless steel table soon. :(

It's just that (this is what I told Jon) I have never had a problem being alone. I have always been okay at it.

Pretty great at it, actually.

Then I meet this guy (the Jon one) and everything in my whole world has altered.

Suddenly I need a character who is my Tom to Jerry.

And I -- please forgive me for being rude -- am not overjoyed at needing anyone.

I do not like this. 

But I guess this person showed up. And now, that is my new future.

*I LOVE YOU JON. UNTIL I DIE.*

(Let us hope that isn't soon.)

Places

it's funny, because i never saw myself here (yet, here i am)

Hello again journal world. So that is my bed, my own owned bed, built by Jon yet in my own (rented) apartment here in the delightful universe of Forest Hills, Queens.

Allow me to introduce myself newly, as I've grown and changed a ton. I'm Kristin, I am 41 years of age and getting very ready to become 42 (Fitz's favorite number.) Fitz is a key element of my love for life, though now that I have left Burns Street, and Jon, I don't get to see either of those boys nearly at all, if at all. And Fitz turns 10 in 1 day and my heart is swollen with wanting to be near him, hold him, console him for the fact that the World is a Big Bad Place, and here we are living in it.

Oh, the Places You'll Go.

"You'll get mixed up, of course, as you already know."--Dr. Seuss

I spent a greater portion of all of December in very bad health. Jon was in the process of kicking me out of our apartment*

*his apartment

...and I was suffering severe physical and mental illness.**

**I wanted death.

Guess I have wished a little too much on myself because now I have cancer.

But I really don't want this post to be about that.

In essence, in any event, and to get to brass tacks (my Dad and I have been throwing around terms like these to laugh and get through all of this bag of garbage) I am in cheery mode. It's a little like the world has decided to shit on my face and I'm laughing in response. :)

So funny, rather not at all funny, I did lose like 20 lbs over the Holidays and while Jon and I elected to give Fitzgerald an amazing handful of weeks (child got more toys and gifts than I think I ever received, altogether ever) it was very much a nice experience.

I was puking a whole lot. Hence, the weight loss. And I was staring at the computer doing apartment hunting calculations and thinking to myself, what places am I going, and, with whom?

New Year's Eve...one of the cheesy co-hosts said something to the small bite of, "Grab a loved one by the hand," and Jon grabbed my hand, and Fitz grabbed Jon's. And we rang it in alright. Wearing really gaudy NYE stuff.

So, the places?

I have been decorating my new place in all gray ("gray is the color of my heart," I told Jon, and he said, in very Jon fashion, "Stop it.")

My couch is gray, my area rug is gray and white, my shower curtain is much gray with some white, I have a runner (rug) all gray, my bath towels are gray (likely my soul is also gray)...probably my hair anytime coming soon. And in addition, my entire female anatomy (ALSO GRAY!)

But here I am, living the KB dream (I suppose.)

This feels good to write again, and I am not going to let this fall apart again.

Things awesome to note:

• My bud is turning double digits - Oh the Places He'll Go (I love you and I know you love me more, but no, because I LOVE YOU more)
• Thinking about having all of the everything just ripped out of me - Oh, the Places I'll Go
• Jon. I love you. If it's the last thing I get to say while still alive, please trust and know this
• (You have really nice hands, even when you do the creepster. I still think you have so many place to go.)
• "Against All Odds."--Oh. The places we've been.

Love.

Kristin.