Materials

Not doctored in PS or Lightroom, this is an anonymous building I snapped back when based solely on that the color of the tagging matched the color of the sky, hence, the raw image. And, I am practically obsessed with fire escapes (and fire doors, but that is only because of Ani DiFranco, which, to this day, I'm not sure why she "opened a fire door to four lips, none of which were mine kissing"...who opens fire doors? Did she mean a hallway door? Do I even know what a fire door is? I think I imagine it as a door to a rooftop, although I think in reality it is a door that is indestructible by fire.) (But my imagined fire door would lead to that I envision her finding her cheating lover with someone else on a rooftop. Enough on that.) (Although, Kristin Hersh also does sing about a "fire pile" so maybe I am secretly obsessed with anything preceded by 'fire'??) Slow life, these days. I have had A TREMENDOUS amount of free time on my hands, enough to almost make my hands shake at the weight of it. And what with it have I done? How have I spent it? Have I written restaurant reviews? (er, yes, but only 2). Have I penned a poem? Have I managed my photography organization? I shudder to think of the hours I've wasted on mindless information when there are so many skills that I'd like to pour out. I'd like to be able to look back on a week and say, There you go, girl, you accomplished that. Or, Hey, KB, look where being motivated landed you. But something is spinning me to boredom, and I'm just flat bored. I'm bored with the news, bored with chores, bored with pretty much just about anything I set my mind to get done. I am actively making attempts mentally to physically challenge myself to move, to do the things I know will make me feel happier once I get them done. Stepping back from paintings I created when I was in high school or college, reflecting on the effort that went into them, noticing others glance admirably at my work, it all felt so good once, like I wanted to tear down the interior walls of myself and let the sun shine on it all. As if I've never hid from anything. As if I've never been confusing for someone, too inconsolable to be understood. But in these past weeks, aside from the pathetic baby restaurant reviews, I can't say I've accomplished or completed a whole lot. Today, I was at jury duty, which means I was alone with myself a lot. We had a talk. We're approaching things differently. We're going to set a goal a day, and until I complete that goal, I won't sleep. I won't finish a day without extending myself the opportunity to be proud of myself, my achievements, my life as it rolls forward. I have a lot to give. And I should be doing so. Let's do it together, girl, you and me, we're soul mates - the ugly side and the beautiful side. We have to coexist, and once we do, we can make mountains move. Or so I'd like to believe. Today's achievement? This post. Because writing it reminded me again how disappointed in myself I've been, and how I can somehow resolve that confused girl and turn her into clarity and voice. Be someone.