Queens

view from new apartment window, early February 2019

Hello folks.

Not doing tremendously well from the North Side of Queens Blvd.

It's almost coming together, perhaps, however many health complications have climbed in my little path.

I have another appointment today to indicate my fate.

Anyway, a lot of other stuff has gone down to cause me grief: evidently my Mother has chosen to tell many of my other family members what's happening (I personally believe this is not her place to do so) and she claims that it because SHE CARES.

I claim gossip. But whatever, my Mother is going to do whatever she wants.

I am tired. I miss Jonathan. I miss Fitz. I miss my old life.

This new apartment is stellar and all, but I don't have my humans here. And they were what made me thrive.

So. Onward and upward, as they say.

Subtitles

Seems as though I'm going to be alright. Verdict pending, and I'm awaiting one last doctor confirmation for one last look inside the region, I think I'm going to live this thing out.

Yesterday was touchy and awful and amazing all in one giant leap.

Bullet point time:

• My cousin Amy called me concerned as (insert bad word) and was like, Kristi, what in the...and we spoke for somewhere in the neighborhood of nearing on 4 hours and it was so neat and refreshing to hear her voice after way too long of not speaking. We both agreed that life just steps in the way and communication with anyone outside of your immediate arena is tough. She was kind, funny, begged me to come to Phoenix (where she, her husband and daughter reside) to visit, and all that will be dependent on health results, and work.
• Amy expressed something that has always been a pain of mine (family rumor mill content) which is...do you have an eating disorder? World (and I told her this adamantly yet called her by name, not "World")...no, I don't. If I did, I'd certainly own up to it. I'm just a really teeny person with little to no appetite but when I do eat (I described to her that my current cravings have consisted of tomatoes, eggs and cottage cheese as well as sausage patties (what the)) she was relieved to hear that. But I guess what I'm wondering is...do all people under a certain weight get predicted to have eating issues? I know I recently mentioned losing a stupid amount of weight but that was directly related to what I blamed to be anxiety and now assume to be these other health items. Still, it doesn't seem fair for everyone who looks at someone who is skinny to assume eating disorder. I have plenty of other of disorders, thank you all very much. Please respect how I dearly love food. :)
• I miss Jon through the core of my soul.
• I bought a bunch of stuff at the pharmacy in town, just...household stuff that I needed (like a Swiffer...still haven't put it to use but likely will in a couple of hours) and I also bought 4 amazingly scented candles. I got home, and I was like...fielding a bunch of phone calls, all of my loved ones who care deeply...and on the phone with my Mom it struck me (and I announced it to her)...I don't have any fire to light these little things! (I quit smoking closing in on a year ago or less or more, however long it's been) so I have no lighters or matches! I was like, Mom, I mean, I could light the burners on my stove but would possibly torch my face if so. Note to self: go get a lighter tomorrow. :)
• I have been snuggling in my new leggings, socks, Journey graphic tee and with Piglet since I woke up at like 4 this morning. I can't sleep much these days. I'm so concerned about death and life and love and all of the consequences of how I've not maintained any semblance of physical  respect for myself. But what I'm gradually realizing as I go through this is that honestly, your time is calculated by a higher power and if your body is meant to plow through the bad stuff, it is, or maybe it isn't. Though that is not justification for abusing yourself.
• I cannot stop thinking about Fitz. Not even for like a second. He is such, such a nice person. And he's only going to get better with age and time, as most really nice souls do. The above photos...I know I did not caption them, out of pure laziness, but the first photo is a note I left for Fitz one day and he put it on his magnetic board and the other day, when he was in Queens, with his Dad, his Dad sent me that photo and alerted me that he found Fitz clutching it and crying in his bed. If I've never, ever experienced a broken heart, that was the number one and most devastating time.
• So then the second image just struck me. I bought it today (KB shrugs about bills and every other financial obligation) because Fitz is going to love it. Kind of in a twisted way looks like me and his Dad, and additionally, this child has so much love that it seeps out of him like molten lava. And I will forever remember the feeling of this volcano love monster rolling right into bed with me and grabbing my hair and sucking on his two fingers while just...being a sweetheart. I've maybe never been given this much love in my life (except maybe from my own Dad.) Fitz isn't perfect, but he's darn near close. (And if he were "perfect" I would become suspicious. I've seen too many Lifetime Movies.) :)
• Gale sent me this text last night to find out how everything is going. Her new "beau" (just trying to be sexy with it) was playing Neutral Milk Hotel while making dinner for them. Pretty rad. :)
• I don't have a bunch else really. I mean, it was a cool very filled day but I'm also concerned that this means my end is near. I don't know, and I will not know until results are all with me, but I am really scared. 
• I am really scared.
• Oh. So I titled this entry "Subtitles" only for one reason: what would your subtitles read? Those of your life.