Jobs

my first Birch Box delivery...strong Kristin

I started a new job today. Day 1: delightful. I hope this one sticks and that I can be a strong asset to them.

I can't write for too long...I stayed on the phone with my friend Alex until almost 3 in the morning right before my first day so needless to say I need a solid night's sleep.

I'm obsessed with this song called "New York" by Elena Tonra. It's from a break up album she wrote solo outside of the band she is with called Daughter and of course, it has me pining for Robert to be back in my life. 

I'm seeing things I'm missing

I miss him and I hate it

I'm seeing things I'm missing

I miss him and I hate it

A quick fragment of the lyrics that are cutting me wide open right now.

He's become pretty rigid that we shouldn't spend time together until he's got his current solution more resolved and under better control. He wrote me a letter and sent it Saturday and it's supposed to basically identify some possibilities for our future but imagine me tonight, after Day 1 of new employment, taking a stupidly expensive cab ride home from Midtown West hoping to find it in my mailbox - alas, not there. Maybe tomorrow.

I'm a hopeless romantic. 

Tonight I had this endearing image of how he slurps his tea and coffee and how much I love it. 

Really, all of his life habits endear me. 

There are many correlations (he'd hate to hear this) between my relationship with him and my relationship with Greg. Stupid shit: curly hair on both of them, intense gazing, smart conversations, both of them have shoe racks outside of the doors of their Brooklyn apartments (KB, seriously, cool off), music love (though Robert and I love way more of the same stuff - he has yet to drag me to Phish shows ha ha) (sorry, Greg!)...their equal love of the New York City existence...there's more...oh, yeah, clutter in their apartments (sorry to you both but you know how I live with not so much clutter or at least organized clutter!)...and more stuff, but I only know that Robert is...better for me than Greg ever was (he hurt me a lot, that Greg, not meaning to of course.) Oh, two cats. Shit, this list could go on for a while. 

Don't get me wrong: Robert is hurting me a very lot right now, but he also doesn't mean to be. He's got his own thing happening and maybe he's accurate that we should wait until that gets closer to conclusion before we reconnect.

There are just so many fond memories I've been having from the last 6-7 months (timing is debatable there.) He claims he's not romantic himself but he's either refusing to believe it or rejecting that he actually is.

He's bought me some of the *best* gifts I've ever received, from anyone. And puts so much thought into them all. And he...for the love of all good realness, installed my window A/C unit on our first date while the ever claiming he's not a good handyman. 

His New York strut is so wonderful. He dips his head a little when talking to me while we're walking together down the streets - it's so precious.

And when we were at Pixies, we held the wall at the back up together and he was totally the version of 90's Rob I could only imagine existed. 

There's a lot. But of course, I do need to go to bed so that I'm comfortably sound for tomorrow, Day 2. 

I miss him.

And I hate it.

Scares

My best friend making wine with her boy

nothing scares me

Everything scares me.

Years

Queens Sky, Jan 1, 2020

My Pink Tree, Re-decorated by R without me knowing, 2019

The fact that he calls it an arbitrary time divider...I've never been in love this hard before. End sentence.

"I am just your ordinary average every day sane psycho super goddess"...liz phair

Hello, 2020. We are here now. 

I'm wearing a thin Journey graphic-tee and feeling despair. Oh, and a cashmere orange scarf from Rob. It is warm.

I think I had an okay year.

I mean, no, I did. It was actually amazing. 

Of course. "Pretty Good Year" comes on my playlist directly now.

I'm fine with the Universe fucking with my mind. It's not new to me.

It's a different place when you feel content, and I do. R is nice. He's got amazing qualities which I hope we get to explore.