Pandemics x. - Let's Keep This Going, Shall We?

Heading for Taco Tuesday Supplies at Food Universe after the Apocalyptic Storm as a result of Hurricane Isieaisasis (no idea how to spell or say it)

This isn't a letter to you tonight, Robert. This is merely an entry to release some emotions that feel like a dirty wadded up paper towel buried deep in my core. So there.

I'm a little drunk. I didn't drink anything all week (alcoholic-wise) because of not feeling so great in my abdomen area but tonight I'm kind of in "fuck it" mode. I'll pay tomorrow for sure but I've filled all of my water bottles with water so that they're ready to save my brain in the morning.

My therapist and I talk at large recently about how I should not put my Beats on while I am alone in my apartment and listen to brooding music and so I have been like, Ok, I will stop doing that. Guess what I'm doing right now? Oops. I was like, I have other ways to listen to music in my apartment wherein the music surrounds the space and not just my head, and she was like, well, that sounds healthier perhaps? But I have mental issues when it comes to music so there's that.

I need to change my song immediately but before doing so, I must list some of the lyrics that are hurting me (and loving me.) Then I can switch songs.

And I've been a fool and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around

Our love is pastured such a mournful sound
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues strong
But it's always darkest before the dawn

--(Florence + the Machine)

Someone called me a hopeless romantic some time back. I cannot remember who it was, maybe a family member on one of our conference calls with each other, but I was like, Pppppffff no I'm not (heaved chest up with bravery.) But, alas, I suppose I am. 
It really doesn't matter if I am or am not. Until Robert, I didn't encounter someone else in my age bracket who is. So in the least, I got to see and feel it. If he has slipped through my fingers then that was what was supposed to happen, I guess.
I'm imagining a person grappling a slippery snake and somehow the snake escapes.
It's funny - I don't know if I mentioned this previously in an entry, but my roommate Johnny from Gramercy who now practices law in LA reached out to me over 4th of July weekend. He always was a hero of mine. He's doing so well, which makes me beam with pride (he's like a little brother to me.) And it's like, I know I have a lot of amazing friends and family members and this Robert thing should not be driving me crying into my pillow every night (though, not tonight since I'm drunk and have no energy to cry) yet it keeps doing so. 
For the sake of who I am as a person, I am strong and independent, but he rode in on some sort of horse (is it supposed to be white? Racism) and stole a great big portion of my heart. 
With that, this drunk girl is off to the trenches.
PS--the one thing I've tried so hard to steal from him is his Heartless Bastards t-shirt. He refuses to give it up. I think it's like his own version of a Robert heirloom. Maybe he will give it to some lucky girl one day.