Sightings

Flowers for me from last weekend (I love this new ritual...it delights me)

Just...the sky is amazing this year. Everywhere. Mother Earth is apologetic for years past.

So this post.

He told me that he loves me.

I'm a big girl. I can pick this apart a little bit, I guess. I am lovable and incredible (know these things) but I'm obviously sensitive to what the existing conditions are. 

I'm also a poet and looking for poetry in my life in general, so, idealistic plus dark plus all of the rumblings that come along with falling for someone...yes yes. 

We can get through all of this somehow but for today what I'd like to say is that I encountered him (visually! I didn't approach) today emerging from his favorite coffee shop in our "shared work office" neighborhood.

There is a really relaxed bar that I frequent on W. 38th, between 5th and 6th Avenues, so when I leave W. 37th (my office address) and head north along 6th Ave, I turn right on the South side of 38th and right there is Culture, the coffee shop he loves. He takes a coffee break around 5:30 every evening and returns to work for an hour after. As I was nearing the corner of 38th and 6th, I turned to look to my right (as I traditionally do in the event I'll have a sighting) and I saw him pushing through the door in his favorite Met ball cap, half turned to laugh at a friend behind him.

My heart dropped directly into my toes and I felt a mad flush filling my face and so instead of turning to go say hello, I raced across the intersection to the opposite side of 38th and fled the scene. I ended up at a new (very chill and nice) bar and I bellied up and texted to him, "How was your coffee?"

He replied, "Did you see me, KB?"

Are you following me?

A whole lot has happened since I began this post in September.

This photo depicts a sticker he saw on a pole or bollard in Iceland last week when he took a solo self-reflecting retreat (I would have gone, however the no passport thing is a bit of an issue...need to apply for a new one, stat.) The signs of us having crossed paths (regardless of if the timing has been rotten) (...rotten...and right, all at the same time somehow)...are virtually everywhere, even Internationally.  

In any event, we fought last night on the phone fairly harshly (despite date of this post, today is 12/02/2019.) We didn't say anything mean *about* one another, rather just heatedly discussed (for the zillionth time) how his existing relationship (while they've separated) doesn't seem to have any conclusion, ever. He gets high-pitched and shrieks F bombs about the whole thing while all the while* "understanding" my reservations and frustrations. 

He allegedly moved back home (to his owned apartment) today and it snowed a bit and was freezing and we have had no communication as of yet today.

Oh, yeah. He moved to his Mom's 11/01. He's giving this to-be-ex way too much freedom to call the shots. It's annoying. 

(FYI, my next post will address the awesome Thanksgiving Holiday I had with Gale and her crew...Bets, Miles, Rich & Quinn) and how I got aggressively stoned and how I took the Amtrak and how we cooked a 5.5 lb bird and Rich kept calling it a chicken and I think so did Gale, ha ha...how I did art with the kids and with Rich, and how I gained close to 8 lbs while there...drinking, eating, weed munchies...etc.)

Anyway, we have tickets to see The Pixies (and Kristin Hersh's new band!) 12/09...he is / was hoping I'd stay over at his place after the show. 

*THAT MEANS SHE NEEDS TO BE MOVED OUT, ROB.*

(Insert: Gale just texted that she wants her kids to go the hell to bed already. I said that she should tell them Auntie KB won't double the allowance money they earned from me if they don't go to bed. She said, "I don't want to talk to them anymore." I'm in a fancy place about to eat dinner solo and laughed out loud, semi-hyena.)

So, yeah, Rob. 

If I were to write a letter to Rob, it would go a little like this:

Dear Rob,

I want to be your girlfriend. Can you please tell me you want the same thing? Can you tell me in any other words how this has dragged out for so long? Can you tell me anything at all that will ease the irritation I feel knowing that we went on our first date in June and it's the end of the year and close to your 45th birthday and this is still an issue?

Can you remind me that you love me? Can you realize how significant it is that I gave you keys to my first studio apartment in the City? Can you remember all of the epiphany moments we had together, even well before we met in person?

I get it - losing someone to a bad experience. You keep holding the paperwork as a hierarchy over what I've been through (I've stated, that isn't fair.) 

I just want to begin again. With you. 

Love,

Kristin.

*PS: my newfound 2nd band name. 1st was hatched in Virginia but I was quite stoned and would have to look at my phone to find it. I think it had to do with turkey or eggs or something.

Oh. Found it: Garlic Heads Halved Horizontally (from turkey recipe.)