Keys

Long story short...I made him keys 

I found us a new coffee shop (he loves coffee.)

He charms me, every day, multiple times a day.

I oftentimes feel I'm in a new chapter of the book of my life which has taken on too many lives and stories inclusive of footnotes and margin notes written by others and hand-scrawled hearts and smiles and miscellaneous. It's all fine. I'm certain that those that know and love me the most wouldn't expect anything less.

I'll say, this year has been a page turned in many ways. I've already said much of this. I'm just restating. Jon and I broke up. I moved out and found a perfect apartment on the other side of Queens Boulevard. I got superbly sick in February, had more blood drawn than should be acceptable, and I found in that sickness...I have Hypothyroidism. I'm reeling from a phone call this morning wherein the blood test from Wednesday revealed my TSH (Thyroid Stimulating Hormone) is still on the high scale. So my dosage of Synthroid must be increased, the Rx which I picked up tonight along with a giant pack of Reese's Cups because FUCK YOU Thyroid. I'm going to gobble on chocolate until you ask me to stop. (Even if you do, you little butterfly-shaped piece of fuck organ that controls all of my life, I probably won't.) (You piece of shit.)

Anyway, right after I got slightly better is when I met Rob. Those waters remain stormy because while I believe him that he wants to be with me, his wife (not even ex yet) resides in his apartment and I feel filthy on my skin over it. I feel filthy in my mind, like a fucking concubine seated on the edge of a chair waiting to be given instruction.

This is *NOT ME*. Yet, Rob is the only person in so many, many eons of life that I've felt so uncontrollably attracted to on each level possible therefore unfortunately, he has the upper hand. Though, if asked, he wouldn't agree to that (that he has the upper hand.)

Anyway. He wanted to see me yesterday in some capacity but I had arrangements to see Tyler, well, Tyler and Jen (from Shawmut) and Tyler had an Amtrak to catch at 6:45 for the beginning of a family vacation. I miss Tyler every day (he's my spirit animal) so I basically told Rob not to hang around Midtown because there could be no guarantees on my side that I'd part with the Shawmut crew early enough. Of course, as these things go, we did disband early and I could have seen Rob but it didn't happen, and tonight he is seeing The Raconteurs (with whom, I do not know) and so basically I likely won't see him until Monday night wherein he has invited me to a Met game.

Hence, why I made him keys. Citi Field is in my backyard, essentially, but I wake up quite early to leave for work and Rob sleeps until like 10. My apartment door must be locked from the outside of it so, now Rob has keys. Well, not physically yet. But he will when I hand them to him.

Some things that have elapsed are to be left unsaid. I'm not interested in exploring anything too deeply here while I commiserate her continued existence in his presence. I've made light of it somewhat with him, but I don't know that that is helping me very much. In fact, I sometimes wonder if I'm not just assisting my insides of eating themselves out.

I suppose that's all for now.

I have therapy at 11:30, and maybe that will give me some clarity.