June 03, 2018


standing at the corner of 33rd and 10th awaiting carpenters to meet me for Hudson Grille partition layout...I waited an hour

Waiting seems to be my middle name at this point. 

I don't know. I'm an After School Special waiting to explode onto the screen. Brooding eyes and lips, crying like a goddamned baby. I've got little to no sympathy from anyone because frankly, I'm a sick individual and what? Sick people don't deserve sympathy?

In any event, no cause for concern because I am a sturdy survivor.

Last night, Jon went to see his favorite musical artist, Black Moth Super Rainbow, in Williamsburg, by himself. Just noting this, no more to comment to it.

I have been working on one construction project for now going on over a year and a half. It is a curtainwall and storefront enclosure, a "building envelope" (I like that) and we've just had many obstacles obstructing us (which is what obstacles do.)

I desperately require change. This is what I know of myself and have known for years but have never fairly processed it. 

Why do I move so often? Why do I change obsessions? See what I mean?

I'm seeing a very decent therapist, Shante. She is kind and understanding and all things good therapists should be. She offers ideas that I wouldn't think of, like, why don't you think of Jon's ex-wife as "Fitz's Mom" in lieu of "Jon's Ex"? (Removing the negativity and replacing with positivity.) And additionally, my benefits through my company nearly pay the entirety of my therapy. Jon is always stunned at my benefits package. My sessions cost me a whopping 8 dollars. Whopping will be a stricken word moving forward. Striking words from the family lexicon is something the boys and I do.

I just cry so hard these days. Again, like in the earlier years of mine, I cry and cry.

I don't want a pill or anything. I just want to stop crying. I used to be able to blame it on menses, but now, I mean...I don't bleed the entire month. What gives?

The most significant change I've found in myself has to do with anxiety and alignment. I can barely focus on the world based on this issue.

It's like I cannot stomach what is facing me when I see everything out of plumb.

My whole mental state turns to shit, and I can barely breathe. Like, in genuine honesty, my chest tightens.

I spend way too many minutes straightening things. And I know that this is a thing, an issue, a curse, whatever it needs to be called.

But how do I get this thing lifted?

I literally cannot enter a room without straightening at least one thing.

HELP! :)


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