Dazes

So, things are beginning to calm down, finally. I've been experiencing shades of anxiety that I've never experienced before, nothing worth looking more closely at with medical attention, except that I've been really light headed lately. Stairs have become difficult for me - not impossible, but a strange sensation washes over me as I descend a flight of steps, like with each one I might collapse. I've diagnosed myself informally with a case of vertigo, but there seems nothing I can do for it other than get more sleep, which means the vertigo is a result of sleep deprivation! All of that should subside in the next months, and if not, well, odds are I'm worse off than I've even mildly predicted!*As I type this, Craig naps on the couch through his new drama on Fox. We've been through a wild, often unpredictable ride these days (weeks, months) and we're both beat from it. I think I'd like to rewind a few months and handle things a little bit better, stronger, but as of yet, time travel isn't a reality. But, there are some pure and happy things, too. For instance, at the end of the week I turn 32. I loathed 31 and can't wait to bury it in the archives. I want nothing more to do with 31 as soon as the clocks shift to my birth time of 8:13 Friday morning. I will reflect back on it only that I managed to remember how much I love visual imagery, not how I destroyed a lot of paths I could have traveled, shocked myself with how repeatedly stupid I could be, lost my somewhat haphazard will or ability to manipulate language and therefore haven't written a poem in an embarrassing amount of time, for the first time resigned myself to medicine in which I used to not believe, have asked myself the same question (which I will keep to myself) so many times that I could have filled a notebook with just that question in one short (long) year. I could go on, but with the recognition that I'm being overly dramatic, I want to replant my feet to earth and recall what I'm relieved to have right now. First, there's Craig. We're on different planets but I know we're not far from one another. He's always an arm's length away and he's never reluctant to help me. There's frivolous stuff, too, like my new shiny red camera bag that mimics a bowling bag! and my new Etsy camera strap which is highly fashionable and is my first purchase from an Etsy shop! and my birthday celebration, which begins tomorrow night (or so I tell myself) when we eat at Nina's, invite Jose the Waiter to Biddy's, then head to Biddy's to hang with Benjamin and possibly help him djay the bar with our solid and sound selections of music on our iPods! then continues Thursday night since we don't work Friday, and continues on Friday when we eat breakfast at Mud, head to B&H Photography to purchase my thrilling birthday present (18-200mm VR DX Nikon lens) and a protective filter and then from there, we cruise the City for me to try out the new lens! and we return home for naps before traveling down to the Meatpacking District for yummy dinner at, we think, Fatty Crab (Malaysian), followed by seeing stand up comedy by Janeane Garofalo at Comix! and Saturday we're traveling back to Radegast to celebrate even more with Eastern European beers - tonight on our travel home from work we learned Michelle and Al from the Jersey Shore CAN, in fact, make it, which ELATED me! Michelle and Al are completely awesome. And so that will nicely round out my birthday celebration, which, honestly, I believe will be one of my better birthdays/better years. This year, we will come to a ton of conclusions, in many ways. I hope.*I've been into many things recently, which I guess I could add to the "good" list from age 31. I watched all of United States of Tara on Showtime, and didn't initially love it, but became completely entranced in it as the season progressed. Toni Collette is soaked with talent. Her co-stars are nearly always perfect contrasts for her multiple personalities.*I somehow managed, as a result of my anxiety experiences (long story), to find a new band from Scotland called Frightened Rabbit. I'm totally absorbed in their sound, and I had to validate my newfound fascination with them by texting Jeff Devine about them (he's the best music sounding board I've got, hands down) to which he replied something like, "Yes, they are great sad bastard music" which only confirmed for me that they are for me.*I'm saving Californication for later but I watched enough episodes to know that the dark poetry of that show is definitely something to which I'm drawn. I try to throw in some comedy here and there, too - some sitcoms, and so forth. But really, the actuality of the age I'm about to retire is that I hated it. I hated everything that happened that was bad. I wish I could remove those things from my memory, from my history. And what's strange is that I never, ever experienced regret on such a grand scale. I've soared through my good/bad life with the honest admission to never regretting anything, but now, at almost 32, I know what regret feels like, and it's painful. It's like one of those really giant knots in a muscle, one that even vigorous attention can't make go away.*But the other day on the train, I turned to Craig and said lightly, "I think age 32 is going to be okay. I think it's going to be good for me." Craig reached out and squeezed my knee. I hope that meant that he understands what I mean by all of this, by everything.