Movies

Silver Lake, Los Angeles, California 2013 (photo cred: KB, instagrammed by her, as well)

So it goes. Life shape shifts. And that is currently the status of this girl sitting on a couch in an apartment in Los Angeles with so much fear.

Life has me breaking my back, emotionally. Breaking my emotional back. My backbone. Spine.

I acknowledge here that I'm not alone. I know, I know. I know. I know. But it feels like isolation anyway. My poetry isn't coming to me at the moment so I'm sounding lame. So let's just play a quick game of exclamations, because that will make me feel nice.

I've been sporting a ponytail for 4 days now!
I watched like 6 unbelievable movies over the weekend!
I cried a lot!
Like, a LOT!
I have a new niece! Born last Monday!
Crying over good movies is INCREDIBLE!

Alright, over that finally.
What's funny is that my body temperature affects my mood a lot. Like, if I am steaming hot, sweating profusely and just awkward, I am pissed to all hell. I cannot *stand* being overheated. But if I'm *cold* I get a little cuddly, want to dive into my emotions and sink into life, sink into my thoughts. And over the weekend, I launched my Central Air A/C and it turns this home into an arctic land. While watching movies yesterday, I wore a hooded sweatshirt...hood on, and everything. It was amazing.

The real reason for my presence to this post is that yesterday I watched a movie that reminded me so distinctly and immediately of me and Greg. The guy in the film even resembled G, physically, and emotionally. And all I could think was that he is coming here this coming Sunday, and his mom got married this past Saturday, and our lives have taken such a massive shift over these months and I want nothing more than for us to live out this life movie that we've launched, even with all the pain included. Everything. So much.

I'm going to say it again. I am way deep in love with him. It may not pan out, and we may bid farewell because I have illness and he's somehow charged into life in a way that I can only channel sometimes, not as often as he. And I...I want EVERYTHING for Greg. I want him to have every every thing. He's such a kind and willful soul. His heart may be the most amazing of anyone's I've ever met. He hates taking credit for being so awesome because he feels like we are all on even territory. It isn't true! Some of us aren't there, we cannot all be such pure professors of honest love. He is, though.

Um, so he is going to be here in something like seven days. In LA.

I can barely imagine what it will feel like opening my apartment door to find him standing there. He will have this look in his eyes that I know all too well, this passion for being upright, this drive to be alive. And he will help me, somehow, conquer life's incessant pains.

In so many, many, many ways, he is my raison d'etre.