Splits

Every time I turn around there are bad things. I mean it. Demons, rearing their ugly heads. Sounding so cliched, but it's quite true. Above captured is someone's lyric tribute to Elliott Smith...here, in LA, near me, is a mural on a storefront wall of a place called Sound Solutions(!) (I think) where he used to work when he was aspiring to be a musician, and at some point this mural became album cover art for one of his more impressive works. So what happens is that this mural gets tagged with Elliott lyrics by mourning fans and also gets brutalized by regular wall artist bullies. So it goes. This particular fan tag struck me because it is also what I do...burn bridges, trying to find some beautiful place to get lost. I wish I could find someone to help me get lost.

Or get found. I'm amazingly seeming so religious in this post (while I'm anything but) but I'm so filled with sadness right now, that if the sadness police were to show up, I'd be arrested for being The Most. And it would suck, because how does one (uh, insert religious word for not doing it anymore) (memory loss, Age 36) come back to the Light? And not be sad? And not feel heavy weight burdened like lyrics scrawled on a mural devoted to a guy who committed suicide at such an awful young age?

I am crying crying crying today, with no reprieve. My eyes are spilling over with this blend of red, sad, blue, fear, and ultimate sad. And I do not know what I did to deserve this. Nothing, I guess. I am a good person. I'm worthy of better than this.

Sometimes I think the Universe invented me to make a point. And that's fine...only, when it hurts, it's hard. But I appreciate the Universe's effort of placing me here to do what I've done, which is impacted certain people that have needed impact. Etc. But now I'm just basically lonely. And wishing to affect more people. How can I do that?

Love, me.