January 25, 2009

Banks


So, Saturday we went on a bar crawl. We had a fantastic time, stopping in the middle of the crawl to browse a toy store of sorts. Here I found my Heath Ledger money bank. I can't quite describe how I feel so close to this celebrity, having never met him and the fact that he's younger than me. But what I do know is that he went through a period of darkness, one which found him trying to relieve sleeplessness with pills, trying to recover from whatever illness he had. And I will say that the day he died, I cried. I felt so sad over it, like an artist had left us. I never cried over Kurt Cobain, while several of my high school friends did. I loved him, too, Kurt...but I couldn't quite grasp death then. Not that I do now, but when Heath died, a really sad portion of my heart was tapped. I sort of wondered if really smart artists are always destined to die too early (Plath, Sexton, Elliot Smith), and does that mean that even though I do not apply my art right now, does that mean it's my destiny, too? I'm not disregarding others who have passed too soon - not artists. I'm just thinking, well, maybe pain and art are intertwined, and happiness will never be owned by the artist.*I bought this bank to remind me of how he died while I lived several miles from his home, how his wife and daughter were across the river aiming to be normal people all while being hailed for how amazing they were on screen. It's also my "recession" bank, because never in my life did I imagine I'd be in one, and here we are, in one. I've shoved tons of coins and bills into this Heath Bank, not counting it, just thinking that even if it would buy me a can of food in dire times, it'd be enough. I miss Heath. I miss his work in the same way I wonder what would have happened if Elliot Smith had not ended his life before it was time. I wonder what it's like to really topple off that ledge. Is it rewarding? Is it exhausting? Is it human, to end your own life? Or is it just a miserable mistake...and will you suffer eternally?*Life questions commonly have no answers.

2 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

OMG. That piggy bank is even more atrocious than I had originally thought. And you now have the first piece of your Heath Ledger shrine. :)

9:14 PM  
Blogger KB said...

I had to tap into it ALREADY because we were short on cash to order Thai last night - haha! Some savings plan...:)

8:26 AM  

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