February 04, 2017


New Balance Shoes, 2017

Hello, New Year. 2017 has brought us a cold New York winter and a cold, calculating and shitty President. Warm welcomes.

Sometimes people meet in the dark. Whether it's a dark bar, or in dark times, or in a dark alley, or in a mental state of dark, sometimes that's how two worlds collide.

That would be the summary of how and when I met Jon.

We were both in the dark.

Is what I did today incorrigible? 

I'll explain.

I met Jon while he was brand new to the City. We were in a bar - let's go with typical on that - and continued our friendship in bars on through the friendship until we realized that things were moving in a different direction and we wanted to shoot things to a different playing field - that being of the romantic relationship variety.

It's a sordid but beautiful tale, one which has led me to understand what I want and need in a relationship, despite the many obstacles we face.

Insert: we commute to work together in the mornings...he works in Midtown as do I, and he gets off the subway exactly one stop before I do. We drink our iced coffees together and joke and laugh and talk about serious things and hold hands and kiss and say "I love you." Smushy, gross, I know. But I've waited my entire life for something so meaningful.

He is *gorgeous.* I don't just mean visually - I mean, inside and outside. He is extremely handsome and wears his good looks like a professional but he also exerts this unbelievable charisma that I'm most certain I do not deserve. He makes me laugh almost every second. And he thinks that at the ripe "old" age of 40 that he's dying of one thing or another...so I'm around to remind him that he's awake and alive and that NO, he does not suffer from high blood pressure, high cholesterol, sleep apnea, arthritis and various other oddities that he's sure are his sufferings. *I LOVE HIM SO MUCH.*

We actually in real life SAY that. "I love you so much." I've never said that to anyone before. Not to be tacky, but that last emphasis of "so much" is critical. It feels strong and real and right. And I would never have said that to anyone ever before.

Those shoes?

He bought those for me last week. 

We were on the subway together and a girl jumped on the train and Jon said, Do you like those shoes she's wearing? (Insert, NO, they were HIDEOUS athletic shoes and NO, I told him, NO ONE can pick out shoes for me, I am VERY particular.) So he challenged me to find some "tennis shoes" (sneakers) that I would like.

I did some Internet looking when I got to work and found the pink New Balance shoes. I sent him the link and was like, I could buy and go get these TODAY and he was like, "Don't." Heart emoji. We went around in text circles and he wound up buying and picking those up for me THAT DAY. He is JUST THAT SWEET.

He does not have to think about being a good mate. He just is. He's thoughtful, kind, patient, agreeable, sweet, wonderful. I'm undeniably blessed that he found me and pursued me like a creeper and convinced me of his amazingness.

That said, he does come with baggage.

"Baggage" sounds so negative. I hate to use that term only because he has an 8 year old son who is one of the most crucial existences in our relationship. I love Jon's son *TO THE MOON* but today was a challenge.

The baggage includes, obviously, an ex-wife. She's fine, I mean, she has her issues as do we all...but today's birthday party for the son was going to take place at her yoga studio upstate with 30 other kids and pizza after and cake and I kind if freaked out this morning about the whole idea.

So I didn't go.

Jon asked me weeks ago if I would go and I said YES, emphatically. Why wouldn't I go support my ever-loving wonderful boy in his awkward Ex-Wife Party for Their Son Moment? 

But this morning I had an anxiety issue and frankly, just couldn't do it.

Jon texted me a very upsetting note about me not wanting to be in Fitz's life.

I have yet to hear back from him as a follow-up...but I didn't reply either, because, what would I say?

"I chose you as a potential spouse knowing you have a history including a child whom I've adored since we met and now you're throwing guilt my way?"

"Have you any understanding what it's like to be in my position at all?"

"I have no interest in watching your Ex do yoga for four hours"????

But did I do the wrong thing?

Should I have sucked it up and gone anyway?

I feel so confused.


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