Lungs

This afternoon I skipped happily out to the jobsite*

*staggered sullenly

for a Bowl Way Finding Signage Meeting. Everyone please sit down and contain your excitement. Be envious of me in your next lives when I am a published, revered, renowned and award-winning poetess, not when I'm a slave to society's requirements of earning my keep by attending such meetings as this in order to pay credit collectors who are banging down my door as if I'm criminal. Seriously.

There were several of us: I'll just name names, because protecting the innocent is no longer even a consideration when it comes to this job: Hal, Mike, Craig, Susan, Tom, and me, and sometimes Wip once we ascended to Upper Concourse...standing around the brilliance of the Bowl discussing how to direct people around it. Man oh man, it sucked so much that Tom took about 4 phone calls just to escape and I snapped Instagram photos while I stood there and I saw the absolute black clouds in Craig's eyeballs as he listened to the droning on of Section ID locations on rails, precast and vomitory entrances from the signage consultant and architect. We all wanted to jump from a 20 story window, guaranteed, for our own respective reasons slash pain of this project.

Anyway, so yes. Paperwork piled at my desk while I stood around listening to all kinds of this kind of stuff. And yes, this is the life I asked for/dreamed of. Caveat: not with as many potholes and red tape.

Whatever, we're getting by and making it work. So things go. Yesterday I shouted into the phone during a 6 PM conference call, "You guys! These are the things that make me want to jump from the window!" And it so happened a boss walked by right then, stopped, giggled and repeated, "Jump from the window..." Ha, Ugh, Oh! I repeat, jumping from windows is a recurring theme on this job. I even asked my coworker who is in charge of the roofer, which portion of the roof would be most effective to do the job? She was like, Sigh, unfortunately, not many areas of it.

But enough on that. I'm inexpressibly ecstatic to be a part of this, regardless of its penchant to make us all want to curl up in fetal positions and never uncoil. This industry has been more of a part of my life than almost anything else has, aside from people, poetry, reading, art, food, drinking and being alive. No, really? Construction has woven itself into me. I know. That's strange.

In other news, I'm battling right now to fix the financial things that have befallen me. That is all I wish to say on that.

And in even other news, I have yet to have heard from Greg since he left here Sunday morning, which seems to be a popular trend with him, which I must live with, because I have feelings sprouting for him. I'm learning his MO, and it bothers me and doesn't all at the same time. He has many things and people in his life, and juggling it all is his own thing. I am not taking it personally however I do slightly feel, after this second week of not hearing from him much, then suddenly later in the week hearing from him frequently (if that even will happen this second week of that same trend), that perhaps a boy is not a distraction I really need to be pulling me away from my work and my personal improvement projects at this time. I have no idea what perception he has of me other than emotionally and physically what unfolds when we are in communication, but part of me today half-decided that perhaps a conversation is in our near future wherein I declare that this isn't the right time for this to be going on in my life...this waiting, wondering, worrying (did I do something? say something? not do? not say?) but at the same time, the pleasure I take when he does reach out and ask for a walk in the park or what have you is grand, full and fulfilling. He has a friend camping out at his apartment for much of this week because this friend lives with his girlfriend but I guess the girl's parents are visiting and don't know of the cohabitation? (awful place to be in, early 30's, etc.) thus his week has already been filled with that. Still. A courteous response to an email I sent Monday morning would have been nice. Though he did say to me recently that lately he wishes to only correspond with people in person, no more emailing, no more texts. If I'm on that short list, great. If not, I'd like to step away now and focus solely on work and life. Guess I just wish I knew in which direction the magnetic pull was dragging me.

Anyway, that is all so personal and yet I've barely touched on all of the things that are making attempts at sinking me into the undertow. I will not let it all bury me. I'm too much on the rise, right now.

I do know, but I don't know. Does that make sense?