Adjustments

So many things have come to pass since my last post that I barely know where to begin. So I'll just launch headlong. I'm going to experiment in this post with subject headings to break things up a bit.

Jenny
For whatever reason, my communication with the boy elevated mid- to later in the week (via email) and  when Thursday arrived, he mentioned he'd be having a dinner in Hells Kitchen with friends that would more than likely conclude at 9 give or take and would I like to join up in Union Square for another nice bench conversation? Thing being, my dearest and best most incredibly close friend in the world, Jenny, was in town this week for Book Expo and had reserved some time to reunite with me that very evening. Jenny, long story short, dates as far back as my college freshman year and I was Maid of Honor in her wedding in 2006 and she visited me in the City that same summer but we've only seen each other once since, which I believe was during 2008 but none of the lack of face time matters when it comes to how much this person means to me. So, in response to the boy (who may be granted a real name soon...all things depend on other things) I indicated that very explanation and he was like, Oh, go do that, that's important! And we guaranteed each other that if for some reason Jenny wanted to turn in early (she had mentioned that as a probability) that he and I would do our Union Square Bench Date.

Turns out, Jenny and Mary were staying in a hotel room in Hells Kitchen and there is a dive bar at 39th on 9th Ave that they frequent when they're in town. Jenny had wondered if it would be okay if I met them there? And in some texts/emails with him, I found out that he would be at a restaurant at 45th and 9th (small world, always.) He made a comment about waving to me from the table over.

Well, turns out...I couldn't in any way tear myself away from Jenny's company. No chance of it. I met up with her and Mary and my heart was soaring and we just had the most intimate yet light-hearted hours together. Jenny explained to me that her 4 year old son Jay has recently been diagnosed with autism, which was a heavy thing to hear but to hear her express her management of the emotion of it was beautiful - she said that she wouldn't change a thing about his little developing personality and that watching him make observations about the world ("I'm sad that I can't drink a beer until I'm 21," he told his therapist the other day...hilarious, considering how very BEER that little family is, although Jenny can't have gluten anymore so can't have beer...but ha ha, little Jay!) and she said that he's just completely an admirable little kid. I'm sure so. Jenny is an admirable woman and Pete, an admirable man (Jay's father.)

There aren't any ways to explain catching up with someone so I will just leave the entire thing as this: she commented to my lifted spirits, to the fact that she senses a light in me that she hasn't recalled sensing in a dramatically long time. That made me feel worlds happier about everything in those glowing moments as we spoke of it. I'm elated that she noticed. And we decided to become pen pals, so today I will write her my first letter. I love her so much.



Suzanne and Dacel
Friday was exhausting then, because I stayed in Hells Kitchen until about 4 am (yikes!) And I had plans to meet Suzanne and Dacel for Happy Hour on 2nd Avenue Friday evening, a becoming regular weekly Happy Hour which I cherish very much because as Suzanne put it that night, she never intended Lit Crawl to hatch friendships and here we found that it had done so - I think there is beautiful chemistry happening with Suzanne, Dacel and me and it's very much something I've needed for far too long. We had a terrific time, so despite my exhaustion I was happy to be with them.


Daniel
Saturday morning I had committed to helping my friend Daniel, also from Lit Crawl, move from Bushwick to Prospect Park South and I just really couldn't and wouldn't let him down on that promise. I woke up to an alarm at 8.30 and felt groggy but pleased with myself for wanting to help someone, particularly someone I barely know yet the thing is, here in New York, recruiting moving help is most daunting and I know one day I'm going to require similar assistance which means if I can lend a hand when I can, I should, and do.

I grabbed an iced coffee on my way to the L and caught the L to Morgan Ave which left me with about a 20-minute walk to his old place on Willoughby, and it was overcast, and his old place was a 2nd floor walk-up, and he had assured me that I wouldn't do heavy lifting yet help with small things (which proved to be true) but the atmosphere felt so tense because for whatever dysfunctional reasons, he hadn't fully expressed moving out to his roommates (I think those rivers ran deep and Daniel didn't really want to portray the whole sordid story to me and to his other friends helping him move.) At one point, a blonde girl emerged from her room in a t-shirt and flip-flops with a cup in her hand and in shorts and walked up to Daniel and asked, "So when exactly are we going to talk about you moving out?" I grabbed a bag of Daniel possessions and headed down to the moving truck! Anyway, seeing how others live in New York City can be an eye-opening experience. We all live here in such desperate fashion, grasping. Anyway, we rode in Daniel's moving truck and his friend's car to the new apartment (which is amazing, by the way, as studios go!) and as we were unloading, I passed by him with his coffee maker in hand and I asked, "How do you feel?" and he replied, "Excited now that you're carrying the coffee maker inside!" Later, he handed me a bag and said, "This contains lots of writing!" and finally, at some point, I carried in his Buddha. When it was all said and done, when all of the sweaty friends stood in a circle surveying the boxes and what not, Daniel strode up to me and gave me a really nice hug, and he stepped back and he said, "You realize that if not for you, I wouldn't have found this apartment, right?" This took me aback for a moment but then I remembered that Suzanne had led Daniel to her management company which is how he found the place, and since I met Daniel through Zack (writing group) through Naturi (from New School creative writing course taught by Sharon Mesmer) and since Daniel became one of my Lit Crawl recruits which is how he met Suzanne, I did act nicely as a catalyst for him finding this apartment. *Insert pat on back*

Date Night
So after parting ways with Brooklyn and company, I made my way back to Union Square from the Church Street Q train and of course, this season celebrates the massive and overwhelmingly beautiful Union Square Open Market (as depicted above, only two quick shots.) I know Farmers' Markets happen everywhere in the Country and they're all sights to behold. To me, it's two things: the colors, and the possibilities. That's all I can think of/see when I witness the massive unfolding of such delicately laid produce/flowers/cheeses/breads/wines. Anyway, the boy and I had confirmed plans for dinner followed by Nilla's performance in All My Sons that evening, but I wanted to do life stuff (laundry, etc.) prior to meeting with him, therefore we didn't wind up meeting until a little before 7 at Cafe Gitane in The Jane Hotel on the West Side. We had a glass of wine and ate and talked then headed over to The Brecht Forum streets away and it was a strange space, interesting, but not anything like a theater as I had expected. There were folding chairs surrounding a floor where the actors would deliver the play and he was like, Let's sit front row! so we did. And I held his hand during the play and electricity was circulating through me and I kept noticing his profile in the dark of the room and it reminded me that this is really happening, whatever this is, and I keep thinking it could be over at any given moment but will never forget the butterflies and curious ways this is making me sense someone else's presence so strongly.

After the play we awaited Nilla's emergence from whatever back room where the actors were changing into street clothes and he sat against the arm of a couch with his legs crossed, looking completely at ease and smiling. It was nice. During the "curtain call" Nilla had spotted me and I saw her smile and say, "KB!" during the applause which was just so sweet and at some point, while awaiting her approach, I was facing him and she was behind me and suddenly he began to laugh looking over my shoulder and said, "Asparagus?" I looked back and sure enough one of her friends had handed her a bundle of asparagus and the woman announced, "It was all I could find!" (to which later the boy stated, "Now that just can't be true!") and Nilla finally approached with her asparagus and met the boy and her eyes were twinkling brightly from all the people present (Johnny was in Iowa for a wedding this weekend so he wasn't in attendance this particular night) and we decided to go for drinks with the actors.

He was very present amongst these people, and I find it to be slightly strange that the first actual exposure (aside from Lit Crawl, which is a different thing altogether) he would have to any of my close people would be to Nilla. We wound up at some Village bar that was too loud and crowded (aren't they all on any Saturday night in Manhattan though) and at some point, I had requested that the boy do a quick investigation of Nilla's costar while I get a glass of wine and the way things wound up is that he stood against a wall speaking to that guy and that guy's girlfriend while I stood near Nilla and her other acting friends. But I had a clear line of vision of him and I kept glancing to him. Hard to explain. Just watching him, I guess. I noted a couple of times that he looked in my direction, too. Those moments are impossible to capture because they exist in that sphere as they happen and they sort of linger there and are hard to reproduce in words.

We hung out about an hour or two, then the group disbanded and the boy and I took a cab to my apartment, where we hung out on the stoop talking for a while. It had rained the entire cab ride across town but had stopped perfectly so when the cab arrived at my place, and it was late and getting later and I finally asked if he'd like to come up. He nodded and we climbed the stairs and then sat on my couch for a long time talking.

This is where things became slightly clear(er) in terms of his ex and his stress over the whole thing. He's still raw. It has been just under a year and what with her recent random reach out to him, followed by a subsequent cryptic email which he felt basically was cutting him out of her life again (two burials, harder than one) and I expressed it clearly to him that from my perspective, having gone through such a revelation finally finally after going on two years that time is literally the only cure. I don't want to rewrite the entire conversation because it delved deep into loss and relationships and how I've become jaded and at one point, he wondered out loud just how weird that it is/was that he feels compelled to talk to me about this, and I assured him yet again that his honesty is meaningful to me and that I wouldn't have it any other way.

He made a comment, though, that entirely threw me off base (considering I have no concept of his perception of me other than he thinks I'm smart, nice and cool) about how one of the reasons he is stressed out about her is because he is worried that one of the topics that possibly sliced open a wound of a different variety was their discussion of seeing other people. He didn't overly make it clear that that means he mentioned seeing someone else or did she, whose gash was it between the two of them...? But I decided to take it to mean he mentioned seeing other people which, at least to my understanding, would be me. See, this is why this is difficult for me...we're not saying things out loud unless they're disguised in some cloak of strangeness in which case it leaves me cloudy about what this is. Yet I can appreciate that for what it's worth as well, because I in no way want this to be a normally adjusted thing happening between us. Part of the enticement for me is that we're easing into each other with the understanding that neither of us is really going to start defining things anytime soon. Or maybe we will?

After some time, he said, I don't know exactly what you make of me. I replied, What do I make of you? And I said, Look, it's pretty basic...you don't bother me being in my space after any length of time. You don't make me crazy and I really enjoy speaking to you, it's as simple as that. And he said, Well I don't know, I'm not the least interesting person but I'm certainly not the most. 
Hmm. (This isn't the boy fishing for compliments, trust me. He in no fashion is anything like that.)

Later in the conversation, he said something to the effect of, I want to tell you another thing but I don't want you to take it in the wrong way or in any way because I just want to say it. I was perplexed and so I waited and he looked pained, he looked intensified (well, he always does, his eyes are always filled with explosive emotion) and he was quiet for almost a full minute which felt like an eternity as I waited and he finally said, Her initials are the same as yours, which I don't know how to take. I mean...I know, these things are significant because they jump out in front of you and wave their arms hysterically. And I suppose this is where I want to step back and let him recover as he needs to. I am confused now as to whether I should play the role of distracting him or if I should give him space to get through this on his own? I didn't mention at this time that his name happens to be Greg, which rhymes with...:) I didn't feel it was an appropriate thing to point out, particularly because when we do discuss our exes we do it on a first name basis. Her name is Kate. Last name beginning with a B but I didn't process it when he stated it out loud because I was too busy frantically processing the fact that he would say this to me, and why...and what does it all mean...and how ridiculously happy I am to have made his acquaintance in this big small city with people pacing the streets like cold strangers.

So now he has a name here and the other portions of the night remain with me in my heart and today he has things happening and I was supposed to meet Dacel for lunch but she's feeling tired from the week so I'm going to wrap this up and say that I suppose I am seeing someone?, at least in some capacity or another, and it feels...terrifying. And fragile.