Lists

Blurry, but there's a shot down the "hallway" of our apartment at our computer room. I found this pic while rummaging through old photos and can't recall if I ever posted it before. I also can't recall if I ever posted about lists, a topic which has been running through my mind for months now and of which I was reminded this morning watching Rachel Ray. I stayed home again today. I feel much like this year is bringing on really random sick days for me (this marks the third of 2008) but I'm reconciling right now with an unfriendly sinus infection, most of which I've battled through at work but for a host of reasons (one being that I am not sleeping well these days in part because of work and related worries) I decided this morning to stay home and attempt alleviations. Thus far that has included sleeping until eight and blowing my nose a lot more than I'd like. Anyway, I was watching Rachel Ray and she featured a "frazzled mom" on today's show. I'm not sure that anyone living in this time right now can call themselves anything but frazzled, but that's a different issue altogether. On the show, they aired cuts of this "frazzled" 24 year-0ld mom video-taped at her home running around with an infant, a toddler, housework, on-line college and part-time paralegal work (which she miraculously performs from home). Her husband, who is roughly ten years older, exists in the story insomuch as the girl starts her "hectic" day by packing his lunch before he heads off to undescribed work. (Right off the bat I muttered to myself, Ok, asshole, first thing's first: you make your own sandwich!) They appeared to be a reasonably sane and conservative couple who happens to have two kids and a double income situation. But the girl sat at Rachel's table with Rachel and an "advice person" (??) (not sure what this woman's training quite could be, after watching...) and the poor frazzled mom just seemed...unfocused. That brought me immediately back to my earlier vague notion of lists, and supposing life were a series of lists. I thought I was so smart and in tune until the "advice person" turned to the mom and declared, "You need to make a list." The mom looked aghast, like, What, you want me to add one more activity to my day?? And the advice person went on to explain that by creating a list, the mom would be sectioning parts of her day to devote to certain activities. Now, while I am moving into a very list-conscious consciousness right now, I felt fairly much like I think the mom felt: what kind of bad quickly-conceived idea is list-writing?? This mom clearly traveled a million miles dragging unable-to-make-sandwich hubby along to be on Rachel's show and the advice person announces with positive authority, Make a LIST? Seriously? Hopefully the frazzled woman's adventure to New York was paid in full by Rachel!*So, when I call the mom "unfocused" it is simply because I relate 100%. Today, staying home was much more about alleviating sinus problems by not breathing in NYC smog/Flushing Toxins as well as grabbing a couple of additional hours of sleep to support the fast-paced lives we lead. But here I sat at home, with 80% ability (versus last time I stayed home when I was completely laid out on the couch) and yet, I could not focus. I couldn't get my head in order enough to decide what apartment chore to accomplish first (I'm not one to waste a day watching mindless talk show stuff unless absolutely laid out). So I recalled the list conversation I have had in my mind. Suppose life were a series of lists. Suppose I was born and the first list I was able to write was, "Go to school." Underneath that I'd write, "Do well in school." Underneath that I would write, "Learn life skills in tandem." (At that point perhaps I would have accomplished things I never achieved, such as learning to sew buttons, learning to manage money, and learning to - I don't know - use a pressure cooker, like my mom always used to cook chicken??) (I'm petrified of pressure cookers to this day!) Then place me in high school and my list would look something like, "Decide on a lucrative major for college." "Find boyfriends who are fun but not planning on being life partners so that you get a feel for what relationships are like, without the ugly pressures of being a wreckless teen." "Tell your math teacher you admire her even though you hate Calculus." Right? "Bank that minimum wage paycheck instead of blowing it on coffee at Waffle House and insignificant amounts of GAP jeans."*The thing is this: today I made a list, and so far half of the items are crossed off. The remaining items can easily be accomplished if I focus before the end of the next two hours. If I drift off and craze out because of what needs to be done, and responsibilities and this and that, likely I won't get one thing done. And it isn't like life is this long series of things that need to get done, but yet, wait, it kind of is. Our parents grew up, met each other respectively, married, had us, raised us and off they go to experience retirement (although my dad has a way to go yet!) Surely that was never a pre-written list but look at what they've done to this date! Accomplishments are only that at completion, and right now, I'm not sure what I can trace as such a thing. Meeting Craig was the best thing ever to happen to me, but we're just beginning. Deciding how much I love to write and that I want to write for hours on end doesn't secure one thing - it's still marked "unfinished" on the list because I can't choose from poetry, food, fiction or memoir. Lists, I tend to think, might be what aid in getting things done. I've got so many running ones in my mind - things for which to save, things to tell Craig because he needs to know, things I'd like done differently, things I'd like to do differently, and so many more! I'm wondering now that if I write these activities down, will I get them done??*Off to cross more stuff off. Food for thought.