Passages

I'm beginning to realize, byway of the repeated paths my dreams follow, that in a previous life I was a divorce attorney. Craig, Craig, Craig! Stop cheating on me in my subconscious! It happened again last night. I realize I mumble about dreams in these entries often. It's not that I want to maintain a sleep journal, either. But I wake up sometimes in physical pain from these dreams. Last night we were in a vacation resort together. He was explaining to me that he'd be coupling with Julie of Alabama for the weekend and that I was not to indicate that he and I are in a relationship together. Julie of Alabama was sweet, long brown hair and brown eyes, nice smile. She was wearing a smooth Polo shirt and a plain ironed skirt. She clearly loved Craig, if not as much as I. As the vacation continued, I concluded that I would do everything in my power to imply my love for Craig without spelling it out. At one point I asked her to shoot a photo of me, Craig and another male friend along on the vacation. Later I found out she played tennis and I decided that, not a tennis star, I would still beat her at her own game. Standing in a greeting card store browsing cards, I made a comment to Craig, Weren't you supposed to break it off with Julie of Alabama on our previous vacation to Lauderdale? This is the point where Craig announced to me that Julie's father had phoned him earlier that day and invited Craig to quit his job and pursue his daughter Julie's hand in marriage. Craig was at a loss, his eyes even welled up a little. He said that in the South, marriage is extremely serious and is considered more prestigious than profession. Here I am playing the role of myself in this dream, standing there in hopeless shock that he might seriously be considering marrying someone other than me! I wish I were able to illustrate the exact shade of red of desperation when observing someone you want to be with engage in romantic communication with someone other than you. In the dream he touched her arm, he smiled down at her with such nice eyes. I woke up with a choked heart and cried out.*If I was not a divorce attorney previously, perhaps I was abandoned. My fear and stress of abandonment far outweighs any experience I've had in this life. Whatever the case may be, the fear surfaces intensely while I sleep.*This week is slower than usual. Friday we're going on a "double date plus one" with some new friends in the Bottom (one other couple plus one cute single girl who, well, doesn't mind being so single, for the moment, at least). Saturday we're traveling to Woodbridge, Virginia to shop at IKEA for a desk. Craig located one he desires and it's a temporary solution to our problem. Sunday we're heading west to some bar where a co-worker and his apartment community friends have rented a room to root the Chicago Bears to victory in the playoffs. I'm dragging along aforementioned cute single girl, if she decides she wants to, in the event her Mr. Right is hanging out that day. And if not, she'll help me get through a day of football!*As for tonight, Richmond's own Canal Club welcomes Appetite for Destruction, a Guns-n-Roses cover band. Based on a lot of previously mentioned love I feel for Craig, I'm accompanying him to this event. A few co-workers are coming along, also. It's not exactly my thing, but hey, I've certainly hauled Craig to his share of chick rock shows, now, haven't I? This morning he was like a kid on Christmas day, shiny eyes, so excited to see a cover band of a band he loves. Guns-n-Roses certainly manages to bring out the 80's metal enthusiast in all of us, I imagine. Hopefully we won't run into Julie of Alabama at the show.*I suspect the reason I selected the posted photo is two-fold. First of all, Craig and I have been miserable photographers and have shot nothing of interest in the past month or so with the new camera (snapshots of family during the Holidays are by no means uninteresting, but I also do not post photos of people in my life on this page). It dawned on me, too, that our new camera isn't exactly the camera I want to own. I've been eyeballing a slew of photographs shot by some friends, and by people I've never met as well, with softened background effects and glowing lighting. Our Olympus isn't capable of such touches. I've tried. I've read manual pages. I've tried. It appears that the best way to shoot a delicious photograph is to purchase an expensive camera. Our Olympus doesn't correct red eye as it promises. The lighting is never satisfactory. I've tried. Nevertheless, it gives me reason to save money. Besides, Craig's pocket or hands hold the new Olympus when we go anywhere. He is the Possessor of the Camera. He's made it abundantly clear that he thinks I suck at photography, but I will show him...I will save up for a fancy Nikon (someday) and take pictures that he might like. Operative words: might like. Anyway, the second reason I posted this is because our apartment hallway is my favorite thing in our apartment, a delicate passage. Its walls are blank, and used to be empty, anyway, as appears here, only now we've got this damned Oriental runner that I have tried and failed to like. Craig doesn't seem to mind that this rug we bought matches nothing else in our entire apartment, but I never lied to him, I made it clear from the onset of his interest in it that I did not want it. Relationship is compromise, no one ever uttered those words enough times. That's why I'm going to save for a Nikon and let him continue on with his Olympus, in the name of compromise.*On an unrelated but important note, Very Happy Birthday to my Dad today.